Shaadi?? – My Conditions apply!!!

Followers of South Indian Cinema in general and Tamil cinema in particular would remember the hit film Manal Kayiru’ in which playwright and stage veteran Visu made his debut as a director. The film has the male protagonist played by comedian S.Ve.Shekhar laying out an elaborate list of 8 conditions which a girl must satisfy to become his wife. The director himself playing the role of a marriage broker in the pre – Shaadi.com/Bharatmatrimony.com,… era lines up a girl and cons the hero into accepting her by proving that all his conditions were met. In these times of sequels, if one thinks of making Manal Kayiru – 2, one important change is called for in the script. Or rather a role reversal. Today, it has to be the female protagonist who has to dish out the conditions to be met by her potential suitor. A survey conducted by a matrimonial site clearly pointed to the trend of more and more girls putting forth conditions before taking the final plunge.

I thought that this emerging change was wonderfully picked up by ‘Shaadi.com’ a leading match making portal when they started running a very interesting TV commercial which showed young liberated girls. They claimed in a montage of visuals that they will marry but in their own terms. You may see the ad here. The ad ends with a super with a very firm voice over – Shaadi.com – My conditions apply!!! I must say that the creators of the ad (JWT I think) have a very good sense of what is happening today and smartly weaved it into the commercial. This is today’s generation of girls who are extremely liberated and self-confident.

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It’s my premise that much of this change must be owed to the IT revolution which programmed India in the late 90’s. In one of my earlier pieces I had attributed the Ascent and Revenge of the Mamis to this same IT revolution. (You may read that piece here). Now I must say that the “Revenge of the Mamis to be” can also be ascribed to the growth of IT Industry in India and its hitherto successful run in empowering Middle Class Indians and the women folk. Traditionally a core Engineering/Mfg. Company would prefer to hire male engineers citing tough conditions at work. But with IT, that line just diffused.

Ergo, India’s IT rise has stopped the party the boys were having, on its tracks. For long in India the boys were a privileged lot and were used to listing a set of conditions and detailed specifications for their wives to be. Must know to cook, must be domesticated enough, must quit the job after children and if it’s Tambrahm community – must be trained in classical music, must be trained in Bharatnatyam (but must stop dancing after marriage) ,…,… were some of the wish list.  But today, it’s the girl who calls the shots. In the “getting to know each other date”, the girls come prepared with a clear set of questions and conditions while the boys just show up.

Like

  • A minimum 5 figure salary/month (preferably take home that is). To be proved with a copy of the last not one but 3 salary slips😊
  • Should have a house in his name (shared or an ancestral property is not enough😊)
  • Should be owning a four-wheeler
  • If its IT – should have opportunity for “on site”😊
  • Cannot be in ‘Joint family” post marriage
  • I will have to take care of my parents even after marriage. No questions to be asked”.
  • You have to treat my family as yours”
  • ,..
  • ,..

And making it abundantly clear what to expect and what not to expect after marriage. Like

  • “I can’t cook to save my life. Will try to learn as much as possible. But you should manage to cook”😊😊
  • “Will dress as my wont – modern, traditional, whatever”
  • “Will not give up my job under any circumstances”
  • “I will decide when and how many children to have”
  • “No joint family under any circumstances”
  • ‘Will retain my surname”
  • ,…
  • ,…

While most of the above still lie in the realm of reasonable expectations, there are some which border on the extremes. Sample this:

  • Like when a girl asked her potential suitor – “how many luggage you have???” – And she meant parents, sisters, brothers,..😁and particularly wanting to make sure there was no “unmarried sister”😄😄
    • When the shocked boy objected (sort of) to the use of the word luggage for family members, she quipped, “Relax, I just said “luggage” and not “Excess baggage”😄😄
  • Like when a girl candidly said – “I turn on the GPS as soon as I enter the house – so that I can locate the kitchen😜😜
  • Like for a change one girl gladly accepted to live in a joint family post marriage adding “Somebody has to handle the kitchen and take care of the child when we have one, no???”😜
  • Like when a girl scanned the boy’s complete FB profile/posts and ofcourse friend list (particularly the girls type) and asked, “Who is this _____?? You seem to like all her bakwas (If it’s another girl it has to be bakwas😜) posts and post elaborate comments!!!”

Particularly at a time when the gender ratio is skewed against the men in many communities, they are at the receiving end of this revenge onslaught. “So my dear younger generation “to be married” male doston, All the very best! And be prepared with “No conditions apply” from your side and for “Many conditions apply” from their side.”😄😄

Kyunki, Mera Desh, Mera desh badal raha hai, Aage badh raha hai!!!😁😁😁

Ki, Ka & Family!!!

Adman turned filmmaker Balki’s latest outing as his previous ones treads into unchartered territory in Bollywood. This post is not a review of the film but about its narrative. So, I’m not getting into rating of the film which anyway as per me was far better than his earlier work – Shamitabh. In this one, Balki through the male protagonist attempts to remove the differentiation of the “lings” in Hindi language namely स्त्रीलिंग (streeling) feminine and पुल्लिंग (pulling) masculine. I can pretty much understand as to where Balki is coming from. Like most of us from the South of Vindhyas probably Balki also found it difficult to figure out where to use Ka and Ki while conversing in Hindi😂. So getting rid of these “lings” would be a thing most of us will welcome!

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But the film is not about any reform in Hindi but about a new form of relationship between an urban couple.  For the benefit of those who gave this Ki and Ka a miss, here’s the premise of the storyline where the film attempts to break established gender stereotypes. (You may like to watch the trailer here which would sum up the premise better) The man sits at home as a house husband while the woman pursues her career ambitions and is the one “pulling” the strings of the purse that is. The man cooks, cleans, does the household chores and also satiates the sexual needs of the wife adequately while his wife is engaged in drawing up boardroom strategies to sell her company’s products as a marketing pro. All this voluntarily and not out of forced circumstances. Now this is a new hatke formulation for Indian society and a Bollywood film – one which instantly brings smiles on the faces of urban women. In one stroke, Balki has earned the fandom of millions of women by making “Ki” (lady) the actual “Ka”(Man)!

So far so good. However in reality, if ones looks at the timeline of relationships between couples atleast in urban India, there has been a gradual progression but one that has still not reached Balki’s make believe stage yet. The evolution in society has been like this. In our grandparents’ times, the role definitions were very clear. The man (husband) is supposed to be the bread winner and is the protector of the family. The lady (wife) did all the work at home as a house wife and was generally subdued. These were the unchallenged “Ka” times! As literacy and family income levels increased, women became slightly more empowered. The next was the generation where the role clarity became hazy. While the husband continued to earn and be the head of the family, the wife apart from taking care of the house, also did her bit in enhancing the family income. So this was the era of the “Super Woman” who was still subdued at home. Though the wife was equally involved in earning money, somehow at home she was still expected to handle everything right from the kitchen to children’ studies. Still the “Ka” era. The next generation – probably the current one is where I guess things are more balanced. Both the husband and wife are equally well educated, ambitious about their respective careers and at home they just simply outsource the work. Or the husband grudgingly or otherwise plays ball to share work. Actually the “Ki and Ka” times.  (I must hasten to add that some of the above situations referred to in historical context exist even today. I’ve just referred to the trend)

Now what Balki has shown in the film is his fantasy of a “Ki” Era. An era where the woman is completely emancipated. Now the question is – Is this the future? Will we be seeing more and more men preferring to be house husbands willingly and would women take it as their comeuppance?? One doesn’t know.

But if one analyses all the above formulations, it is abundantly clear that the dominant “Ka” era is on the wane. The dominant “Ki” era is still a fantasy and would be in all probability fraught with its own dangers.  It would seem that the one which can work is the “Ki and Ka” formulation. However I have another construct in mind. Which is the “Ki, Ka & family” formulation. Where the husband and wife take care of the earnings part, share the household work and at the same time teach the children to embrace household chores and do their bit willingly. The best process of coaching is always the demonstrative process. When a child sees his dad cleaning up a shelf on weekends, he tends to pick this as a habit when he grows up. Apart from being demonstrative, I believe it is equally important to let children do the work instead of being too protective. In my experience I’ve seen that behind most misogynistic men have been indulgent parents. This is wonderfully demonstrated in the Award winning #sharetheload commercial of Ariel. Watch it here. Where the old father rues the fact that he never helped his wife –in her household work and that his son in law who is seen ordering around would have also not witnessed his dad helping at home!! And commits himself to share the load henceforth in household work. Now there can be no better news than this for any woman for whom Newspaper, TV and now mobile phones are sworn enemies for life😃😃.

“Can you please stop typing away to glory and share the load here?  It’s the wife at home. “Yes, coming!!!” is my loud war cry. Followed by, “Beta, put off the TV and come to the kitchen. See what appa is doing”!!!😃😃

So for me it’s not “Ki” or “Ka” or even “Ki and Ka”. It has to be “Ki, Ka & family”👍👍👍

By hook or Cook!!!

“For a great marriage, men must cook” – this headline of an article which appeared in ‘The Hindu’ caught my attention. You can read that here. The piece articulates that men must use food and cooking to build strong enduring bonds with their wives for peaceful and mutually fulfilling marriages. It set me thinking. Not that my marriage was wobbling but could do with some elements of surprise I thought. When was the last time I went to the kitchen to cook? If you discount the instances of preparing tea, rustling up dosas or putting together your breakfast cereals, it’s been a while. Really a long while.

My mind flashbacked to the time before marriage when as a bachelor, I did cook. My rendezvous with cooking started while in Mumbai just as I got into my 1st job at Godrej. I lived with my elder brother who was also a bachelor that time and our cooking experiments commenced. Mostly we cooked our own dinners on weekdays and on weekends the lunch. When we felt bored or we got late, we ate outside. The understanding was that whoever reached early will start the preparation like cutting the vegetables and keep the rice ready while the other will join to finish doing the rest of the stuff.  Unlike many would think, cooking was interesting and exciting. Particularly if you end up cooking something which was palatable (when you cook, almost everything is extremely palatable – that’s a different thing 🙂 🙂 )

Being a South Indian and a Tambram in that, our choice was limited to making the sambhars, rasams and the vegetables.  As a strategy (OMG, isn’t this word the most misused word these days???), we decided that we will keep repeating the same till we perfect it. So I think we must have made rasam for atleast one full week and may be sambhar for the next 10 days 🙂 :).  When we completed 1st quarter of cooking the end results were not bad. We started adventuring to next level of difficulty in the cooking game – I mean more exotic dishes,..  post that. So as self-cooking continued, one started losing weight ( 🙂 ) and became lean and mean.

But from the time marriage happened, it was time for the enthusiastic wife to take over. She was also learning the ropes and it was best for me to keep away from the kitchen completely.  Coming back to the present, when I read the article it struck on me – Why not enter the kitchen again and surprise the wife? Though the wife knew that I was cooking earlier she never got a chance to endure my cooking. So last Saturday morning I grandly announced to the wife that I will cook a full meal that day and that she should just relax. And one important pre-condition was that she should not be seen anywhere close to the kitchen till I finish. (You know otherwise what happens 🙂 ) Though reluctant, she complied.

Since the mission was also to impress the wife, I decided to keep the menu simple with some staple stuff like rasam (yes) and potato podimas (yes ofcourse) and get away easily. Little did I realize that life is not so easy if you are out of touch. I started with keeping the rice in the cooker along with the paruppu (dal) which is needed for the rasam.   As I reached out for the dabbas, I could see many dabbas with different paruppus. Now which is the dal which goes into the rasam was the question. After a round of hinky pinky ponkey and applying bit of logic concluded that it is indeed tuvar dal which is the ingredient. 🙂

20 mins into boiling the rice in the cooker – there is no sign of the whistle in the cooker. Lessons from Mechanical engineering on what happens when a safety valve malfunctions unnecessarily kept coming up. Did I put the gasket and other fundamental questions arose. After another futile 20 mins. I decided to force open the cooker to see what the heck is going on.  If you have a faint idea of what forcing open a cooker means – you will understand what would have happened. The dal had overflowed, the rice had overflowed and it all resembled a Dal kichdi!!! And the kitchen- remnants of modern art!!! So the next thing was operation clean up (without making much noise ofcourse so that the wife doesn’t realize what’s going on) and a repeat of keeping the rice and dal again to cook. This time took extra care to see that water is not too much and all. After waiting with bated breath for another 10 mins. the whistle blew and “operation rice” went through smoothly.  I did a whistle podu for myself. 🙂 🙂 Followed then with making the potato vegetable and rasam. Having completely forgotten the measurements of salt, masala,.. several trials and more errors ensued. Fortunately no much adventure in making the rasam and the potato vegetable.  I was almost done.

After serving all what I rustled up, it was judgment time. The rice had to be cooked twice. While the 1st time suffered due to excess water, the second time was less of water and hence was bit Vethu Vethu (dry).  The rasam was fine though it could have done with more rasam powder and be spicier. The potato vegetable was extra salty.  But for these “small” hiccups the experience was worth it!!! The daughter surprisingly found it tasty and ate the food without much ado. The wife was more generous and said it was not bad at all.  And she said, “You are cooking really well, why don’t you do this every Saturday???”

Oh man, that author’s prediction was really working 🙂 🙂

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Toon Courtesy: The Hindu