Shaadi?? – My Conditions apply!!!

Followers of South Indian Cinema in general and Tamil cinema in particular would remember the hit film Manal Kayiru’ in which playwright and stage veteran Visu made his debut as a director. The film has the male protagonist played by comedian S.Ve.Shekhar laying out an elaborate list of 8 conditions which a girl must satisfy to become his wife. The director himself playing the role of a marriage broker in the pre – Shaadi.com/Bharatmatrimony.com,… era lines up a girl and cons the hero into accepting her by proving that all his conditions were met. In these times of sequels, if one thinks of making Manal Kayiru – 2, one important change is called for in the script. Or rather a role reversal. Today, it has to be the female protagonist who has to dish out the conditions to be met by her potential suitor. A survey conducted by a matrimonial site clearly pointed to the trend of more and more girls putting forth conditions before taking the final plunge.

I thought that this emerging change was wonderfully picked up by ‘Shaadi.com’ a leading match making portal when they started running a very interesting TV commercial which showed young liberated girls. They claimed in a montage of visuals that they will marry but in their own terms. You may see the ad here. The ad ends with a super with a very firm voice over – Shaadi.com – My conditions apply!!! I must say that the creators of the ad (JWT I think) have a very good sense of what is happening today and smartly weaved it into the commercial. This is today’s generation of girls who are extremely liberated and self-confident.

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It’s my premise that much of this change must be owed to the IT revolution which programmed India in the late 90’s. In one of my earlier pieces I had attributed the Ascent and Revenge of the Mamis to this same IT revolution. (You may read that piece here). Now I must say that the “Revenge of the Mamis to be” can also be ascribed to the growth of IT Industry in India and its hitherto successful run in empowering Middle Class Indians and the women folk. Traditionally a core Engineering/Mfg. Company would prefer to hire male engineers citing tough conditions at work. But with IT, that line just diffused.

Ergo, India’s IT rise has stopped the party the boys were having, on its tracks. For long in India the boys were a privileged lot and were used to listing a set of conditions and detailed specifications for their wives to be. Must know to cook, must be domesticated enough, must quit the job after children and if it’s Tambrahm community – must be trained in classical music, must be trained in Bharatnatyam (but must stop dancing after marriage) ,…,… were some of the wish list.  But today, it’s the girl who calls the shots. In the “getting to know each other date”, the girls come prepared with a clear set of questions and conditions while the boys just show up.

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  • A minimum 5 figure salary/month (preferably take home that is). To be proved with a copy of the last not one but 3 salary slips😊
  • Should have a house in his name (shared or an ancestral property is not enough😊)
  • Should be owning a four-wheeler
  • If its IT – should have opportunity for “on site”😊
  • Cannot be in ‘Joint family” post marriage
  • I will have to take care of my parents even after marriage. No questions to be asked”.
  • You have to treat my family as yours”
  • ,..
  • ,..

And making it abundantly clear what to expect and what not to expect after marriage. Like

  • “I can’t cook to save my life. Will try to learn as much as possible. But you should manage to cook”😊😊
  • “Will dress as my wont – modern, traditional, whatever”
  • “Will not give up my job under any circumstances”
  • “I will decide when and how many children to have”
  • “No joint family under any circumstances”
  • ‘Will retain my surname”
  • ,…
  • ,…

While most of the above still lie in the realm of reasonable expectations, there are some which border on the extremes. Sample this:

  • Like when a girl asked her potential suitor – “how many luggage you have???” – And she meant parents, sisters, brothers,..😁and particularly wanting to make sure there was no “unmarried sister”😄😄
    • When the shocked boy objected (sort of) to the use of the word luggage for family members, she quipped, “Relax, I just said “luggage” and not “Excess baggage”😄😄
  • Like when a girl candidly said – “I turn on the GPS as soon as I enter the house – so that I can locate the kitchen😜😜
  • Like for a change one girl gladly accepted to live in a joint family post marriage adding “Somebody has to handle the kitchen and take care of the child when we have one, no???”😜
  • Like when a girl scanned the boy’s complete FB profile/posts and ofcourse friend list (particularly the girls type) and asked, “Who is this _____?? You seem to like all her bakwas (If it’s another girl it has to be bakwas😜) posts and post elaborate comments!!!”

Particularly at a time when the gender ratio is skewed against the men in many communities, they are at the receiving end of this revenge onslaught. “So my dear younger generation “to be married” male doston, All the very best! And be prepared with “No conditions apply” from your side and for “Many conditions apply” from their side.”😄😄

Kyunki, Mera Desh, Mera desh badal raha hai, Aage badh raha hai!!!😁😁😁

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An Ode to the Odd – Even Formula!!!

DelhiIn a few hours from now, the capital city of IndiaDelhi will be at odds with the rest of the country in terms of daily commuting. For a few days now, the aam admi of the city has been at odds over their Aam Oddmi Party Govt’s big idea to improve their city’s air. The city’s Odd – Even Car formula by which Odd number cars are allowed on odd number days and Even numbered cars on even days is expected to cause much inconvenience and agony to the public or so it is fraught. Though the intention of the Govt. to clean up the city’s air has been noble, few odd questions arise over the decision making process and the execution of the Odd – Even scheme. Comparisons of Arvind Kejriwal with Mohammad Bin Tughluq another erstwhile ruler of Delhi who was notoriously popular for his decision making skills are odious but not completely off the mark. Almost everyone I met in Delhi ever since this scheme has been announced was of the opinion that this audacious decision has been taken in haste without giving a thought on the implications where the public transport is lacking in terms of network and the public lacking in terms of  social conscience. The Government’s view has been that this is only one of the slew of measures taken to reduce the air pollution and is being done considering the oddinary citizen’s health. The odded benefit would also be the improvement in the city’s traffic with reduced vehicles on the road or so they claim. So now what will happen if taking a leaf from Mr Kejriwal’s book many others try to introduce their version of Odd – Even scheme to find a solution to other problems?

  • Like In Tirupati temple where there is huge crowd every day. They can introduce Odd – Even Scheme wherein on Odd Days only people born on Odd days will be allowed 😁. This will help the oddministration in better crowd control,.. Even the lines in Loddu Prasad counters will be halved😁😁. Based on the success here the same can be duplicated in other places of worship where huge crowds throng like Sabarimala, Siddhi Vinayak temple, Vaishnodevi, Haji Ali,…
  • Like oddopting this scheme in the Railways reservation site irctc.co.in – which usually crashes or is very slow due to the rush of people using it day and day out. By this scheme on Odd days people travelling on odd days only can book tickets and so on😁.
  • Like following this in Mumbai suburban trains which transports probably 10 times its rated capacity every day. By letting only people born on odd days to travel on odd days – straightaway the cro(w)dd will be reduced to 5 times its rated capacity😁. Its performance will improve by leaps and bounds I’m sure.
  • Like copy pasting this scheme for the parliament functioning or rather nonfunctioning. Allow ruling party to disrupt on odd days and opposition parties to create ruckus on even days. By this our parliament will still not function (but who cares) but the proceedings will be more presentable while watching on TV 😁😁.
  • Like implementing this Odd Even formula instead of total prohibition in states. You don’t then miss out on the tax collections but at the same time end up partially controlling the so called ills of drinking. Next time the Tasmac bar opens in the morning – there will be only half the number of Bevoddas 😁😁
  • Like Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Shah Rukh agreeing to oddopt this formula when they want to release their films together. SRK films will be shown at even time shows (2.00 pm, 4.00 pm,..) and Bhansalis’ at odd time shows😁. By this both will manage to divide and rule while keeping their respective egos at odds.
  • Like the Ecom sites (Flipkart, Amazon,..) coming to an agreement on using the Odd Even system. Flipkart will run its shopping festivals on Odd days and Amazon on Even days. For Aam oddmi – it is everyday celebration!
  • Like the Central Government internalizing this Odd Even program for Population control. Enacting a law (if Rajya Sabha functions that is) whereby people staying in Odd numbered houses will have sex on Odd days and so on,..😁😁 This will turn out to be better than distribution of free coddoms!
  • ,…,…

We can go odd and odd 😜😜

What an Oddea Sirji? Isn’t it odd that it took so long for somebody to come up with such a Big Idea that could solve our country’s many ills??

Soon India will become a country that went against the odds and came up trumps!

On that odd note – whether you are born on an odd day or even day – no Odd – Even formula here – my wishes to you for a fantastic year filled with happiness and great health😁😁😁

Peepli Live Returns!!!

Peepli Live Returns or it could be Peepli Live -2 or may be Lagey Raho Peepli Live!!! In Bollywood these are some ways of naming a sequel. And there are more and more sequels these days. Peepli Live is an offbeat Hindi film released few years ago in the genre of satirical comedy. It did make the cash registers ring if not shatter at the box office. That film basically dwells around the way TV News channels make buffoonery around some trivial events happening around us and make a fool of themselves and may be in the bargain we, the viewers as well. Anyone watching the news channels in the past 1 week or so would realise that channels are dishing out the sequel of that Peepli Live franchise. I am referring to the non-stop, wall to wall coverage of the Sheena Bora murder case.

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On 25th August, when news tickers started flashing of the Mumbai police arresting Indrani Mukherjea, the erstwhile CEO of INX Media, on her alleged role in murdering her “sister” Sheena Bora, it was just a blip on the 24*7 news radar. But the events in the next day and after turned that blip into a 24*7 national obsession or so it would seem. The coverage started hitting a shrill pitch when skeletons started tumbling down (literally) of the many relationships, the conspiracy (alleged as of now) and money trail. With accomplices in 3 cities (Mumbai, Kolkatta and Guwahati) more and more reporters and cameramen got busy “chasing” the various actors in the saga sometimes on the road at a signal, sometimes midair inside a plane and where have you.

I’m not surprised at all by the interest of the public or the media in this case. After all this is not an Aam Admi murder mystery. This is a case involving murder of a young girl who was all along touted as the “sister” of the female protagonist who was in reality her “daughter”. I’m not getting into the complex web of relationships which have become the butt of pokes and jokes. Indrani was an extremely successful woman having climbed the corporate elevator in her own way. Similarly her husband (current one i.e.,) Peter Mukherjea is credited to be the man behind one of the successful foreign channels (Star) in India. Together they were part of the successful elite that too in the media business and naturally part of the thriving Page 3 circuit. All till the fateful 25th August and that’s when they moved from Page 3 to Page 1. There is an increased interest when successful people fail. And more interest when successful Page 3 people fall. And even more heightened interest for the media when someone from their own fraternity fail and fall. So the frenzy in the media and the various “forward” jokes on social media (atleast 1 question from the next CAT/IAS exam/ KBC got leaked I would think 😄) in the next few days can be attributed to the overflowing sense of Schadenfreude all around.

But what was appalling was the nature of reporting, coverage and the now infamous media trial of this case. Instead of just letting the police to do the investigation and reporting on the progress made by the police, channels are till today conducting their own trial and delivering their verdicts. Thankfully and rightly so, the Mumbai police so far has been conducting themselves exceptionally well with restraint without falling for the arc lights of the media. Avoiding the trap of feeding news bytes by the hour, by the day or preside over press conferences every evening to sync with prime time “Newshours” of what has become a spectacle. It’s ironical that channels day in and day out debate with so called experts in “increasing boxes” trying to decipher the case and delivering instant judgements based on hearsay leaks from vested interests. Apart from debates you also have analysis as to whether Indrani was a psychopath or some other path😠😠

Is it wrong if the Mumbai police takes its own time to investigate the case thoroughly before filing the charge sheet? Don’t we remember what happened in the other high profile Arushi murder case?? There, within 1 week of the murder, police declared in a press conference that the Talwars were perpetrators of the crime. The media trial in that case swung between giving a clean chit to the Talwars and consigning them to be with blood in their hands depending upon leaks of the day. So it was good to see the Mumbai police commissioner committing that he won’t let Sheena Bora mystery turn into Arushi case. We will wait and see.

The other horrendous aspect was the height to which the channels were going, in the race to be exclusive and breaking first the ever changing twists and turns in the saga. Here I am not referring to twists like “Indrani Mukerjea ne sandwich khaya”😄. To see a reporter shoving his mike into Peter and persistently posing different questions as he walked out of his place and chasing him till the car sped away was comical at times and ironical most of the times. As also a clip showing a clutch of sleepish reporters and cameramen waiting in front of the police station only suddenly to be jolted and woken up when one among them spots one of the Ex-spouses of Indrani being paraded into the station for investigation. I would only say that seeing the coverage of the Sheena Murder case, irony would have committed a 1000 suicides😡😡

Come next week, there is hope. Hopefully, our ex-jawans and veterans would come to our rescue. Or may be already they have. The Govt. announcing the One Rank One Pension and the veterans’ not so favourable response to it may push the Sheena Bora case to the sidelines. Till the next grand press conference by police commissioner Rakesh Maria where hopefully he will establish the motive and bring this Peepli live – 2 to an end.

Postscript: Coming back to naming of sequels, the makers of Bahubali can afford to have just 2 parts and call them as Bahubali-The Beginning and “Bahubali-The Conclusion” respectively. But, in the case of Peepli Live one has to follow the Yashraj’s Dhoom model. Dhoom-2, Dhoom-3,.. where the protagonists are different but the investigating officer is same. No, that was a not a reference to one Mr. Goswami 😜😜😜

The “Next Monday” syndrome!!!

I don’t know why, but Independence Day season is the time I find most of the gyms in Mumbai promoting aggressively for getting new members. This year also is not an exception as I see many handouts fluttering in front of me announcing discounts and other throw-ins like free massage, diet counselling,… for members joining before 15th August. Except for a bit of rhyming what’s the connection between “Freedom” and “Fitness”??? I would have thought that the time around New Year would be a more appropriate time for this, isn’t it??? My own unscientific survey suggests that 8 out of 10 resolutions around a New Year is around knocking off a few kilos in the New Year. And joining a gym/yoga class/starting the morning walk routine,..,…. (All except eating less😃) are usually on top of the mind that time. Then I realized that marketing theory suggests that you don’t do a promotion during peak season. So in Dec. end, you see a lot of ads around New Year resolutions & Gymming,.. but sans offers/discounts. A resolute mind anyway pushes the head to join a gym– discounts or no discounts I guess.

It was one August may be 11/12 years ago, I saw such offers and thought for the 1st time that the time has come to work out and reduce. So I did the rounds of a few gyms in and around my place and finally settled with one. It was a Sunday when I paid the money and joined the gym. The girl in the front desk asked – “Sir, do you want to start working out today??” “No, No – I will start next Monday. I will have do some shopping 1st of all” – I said. The girl gave a wry smile and said “Next Monday😖???” I didn’t comprehend that sarcasm then😞😞

I did the customary shopping and turned up at the gym the next Monday. Being the 1st day they assigned an instructor who took me through some stretches and explained the different basic equipment there and how to use,…,… The one hour went off nicely and all was well until the next morning. The moment I woke up I found most parts of the body aching. “Should I go to the gym today with this pain? Lets’ see Next Monday”. In this 1st battle between the body and the mind, the body won. And it kept winning most of the times in the times to come.😝😝

Next Monday comes but I had forgotten to set the alarm and was late to get up. Tuesday comes and the mind says – “How can I start now mid-week. Let’s start Next Monday”.😝

This time the alarm is set and everything goes well, well almost. With a lot of zeal, I get to the car and start. The car sort of wobbles. Damn – A flat tyre that day screwed up my hope for a flat abs😔 ‘Saguname sari illa’ (The signs are not good). I get back and start worrying about what’s in store for the day and week. Gymming can wait for now. Well, actually ended up waiting till Next Monday.

The Next Monday comes and gym happens. Managed to go on Tuesday as well. Then a same day return business trip strikes. Back on Thu morning, the alarm goes off early in the morning only to be slammed hard. The living alarm goes next. ‘Gymmukku pogaliya’??? (Not going to the gym???) It’s the wife. ‘Adutha Monday paakalam’ (Let’s see Next Monday)

Come Monday, the rhythm has been sort of disturbed you see,.. and you don’t go for few weeks. Then a call comes from the gym –reminding you of a place called Gym. “Thank you for the call, I will start Next Monday”. The girl again giggles.

The coming Monday, in the morning battle, for a change the mind wins and you end up at the gym. “Hi, welcome back, long time no see??” A regular at the gym smilingly irritates you and moves on without waiting for your answer. His day is done I thought. I had a point to prove and the next 2/3 days the gym sees a determined me. Come Wednesday night as I was setting up my gym bag, the wife reminds me of the arrival of my parents the next day in the morning flight. “You don’t have to pick them up???” Oh yeah! So the gym bag is put in its place till the Next Monday ofcourse.

But many Mondays come and go after that. Its’ festival season in India. The body refuses to yield, get up and go to the gym on a holiday I tell the wife. (As if it does on other days, the wife nudges). And holidays are many from Oct. Either you have an Off or the Gym has or both😁😁

Its’ now December end/New year time. The season of slimming. Or more appropriately season of many slimming resolutions. On a Monday in January you start again only to find the gym overly crowded. The treadmills are all occupied. And there is a line for all machines. So the solution is to start 15 mins. earlier than usual 5.30 am! For 2 days 5.15 am happens. 3rd day it doesn’t. In the wee hours of the morning you realise the importance of 15 mins. when the body craves for that additional sleep😔😔

But not to worry. Things soon settle down at the gym. Come Feb, the gym is peaceful. Few new faces who beat the New Year resolution syndrome become familiar faces now. But you soon become unfamiliar to them. Because, early mornings are dark and cold even by Mumbai standards. So waking up early is not in the cards.

Finally when the so called winter is over, the Next Monday I am at the gym by when the year-end pressure at work mounts. Amidst achieving work targets, weight loss target goes for a toss.

Few weeks and then its summer and vacation time. You go on a week/10 day long vacation. Pile up the holiday fat and return on Sat/Sunday. The holiday hangover continues for few weeks and when the guilt pang hits you on a Friday – you decide to start hitting the gym again – the next Monday. The girl at the front desk welcomes you and starts explaining the different packages. You then remind her that you are an existing member.😒

Since you restarted on Monday after a gap, next morning you end up with a real pain in the neck. Again you decide to start the Next Monday.

By now the summer in Mumbai wanes off and monsoon sets in. You get up on Monday and then Tuesday, Wednesday,…,.. to see heavy rains in the morning. “Where you are going to the gym in this rain?? Just enjoy the rain and the hot tea”, the wife says. The mind readily agrees and junks any idea of going to the gym. As in the Indian parliament these days, the monsoon session turns out to be a washout😜😜

Somewhere in September, you run out of excuses and press the restart button for the gym. With some firmness Monday and Tuesday go off successfully. On Wednesday you see the invite for an early morning conf. call at office with the Head Office US team!!! With such legitimate reasons for skipping the gym, you have no guilt,… and you decide to go to work out the Next Monday😜

That Monday and many Mondays come and go. Been travelling excessively. The gym is forgotten. Till the call comes for renewing the membership again in the month of August. The wife reminds that looking at the number of days I went to the gym in the past year – it must be the most expensive self-indulgence😜. I ignore the taunt and renew to avail of the discounted package!

Now with absolute resolve to gym come what may – I hit the gym on Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday – 3 days at a stretch is sort of a personal record. As I am walking out I see the notice – “Gym closed for 2 days for routine maintenance”!!! So now – Next Monday😜😜😜

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The “Revenge of the Mamis”!!!

Ever since I wrote a piece on the Mamas“My close encounters with Mamas” (read here) – their counterpart, the Mamis stopped being kind to me. “Ennada, engala pathi ellam ezhutha maatiyo??” (You will not write about us and all??) – was the usual refrain wherever and whenever I met them. Though my immediate reaction was – “Oh so these people are reading my blogs😃”- I thought to myself that I must soon set this imbalance right. Hence this attempt. Typically in Tamil Nadu, any married lady from the Brahmin community is referred to as Mami sometimes in reverence, sometimes with scorn and sometimes in jest. For the purpose of contextualization, Mamis being referred so in this piece are ones who are now in their 60’s and may be early 70’s. And there is a reason for this funneling which will reveal itself at the end.

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For decades, the Mamis were generally a subdued lot – sacrificing their interests, their choices,..,… for the sake of the family and single mindedly pursuing their husband’s and children’s interests selflessly. They took pride in the achievement of their kids and remained contended in whatever they were doing. But since the late 90’s the Mamis started taking a different avatar. It would be tempting to attribute this change to the overall rise of India and the Indian Middle class post liberalization. But I would ascribe this change to the rise of India as an IT behemoth and the subsequent changes it brought to the typical Tambram household. In a book titled “Indian Express” by Daniel Lak, the author quotes Kris Laxmikanth – a headhunter specializing in IT in Bengaluru saying that the ascent of India in the domain of IT can be owed to the “revenge of the Brahmins”. And may I say that the ascent of IT in India has led to the “Revenge of the Mamis” in Tamil Nadu and elsewhere😃😃. This revenge saga manifests in few ways:

  • Far from being limiting their sojourn to pakathu veedus (neighbourhood), Kovil (Temple) and Kacheri(Concert), today the Mamis travel around the globe and if need be alone.
    • If its 1 year in the Washington in the US to meet up with the elder son, then its Wellington in NZ the next year with the daughter!!! “Ennoda passportla pages romba seekram theernthu pogarathu😓” (The pages in my passport get over very quickly) is a lament you can hear if you overhear 2 Mamis conversing. And the other Mami quipping – “Naan oru Jumbo passporta vaangi vachundurikken” (I have taken a Jumbo passport)

     

    • Recently I went to a concert of Sanjay Subramanyam, where the hall was filled with Kanjivaram saris of different hue, one could overhear Mamas discussing Modi Vs Manmohan while the Mamis were comparing Sanjay’s rendition in Thyagaraja Aradhanas at Cleveland Vs Austin. “Kalyani la antha “Bajare Re Chitta” Clevelandla pona varsham paadinaar paarungo,. Romba nanna irunthathu. Austinla Kalyani paadala,..,…,..(In Raga Kalyani, the song he sang in Cleveland was very good. But in Austin he didn’t sing Kalyani)
    • Gone are the days when Mamis used to talk about going to Srirangam temple for Vaigunta Ekadasi and cross the ‘Swarga vaasal’. Now its “Pona Vaigunda Ekadasi annikku Pittsburg Venkatachalapathi kovil poyittu apparam we had a Potluck party. Naan puliyodarai pannindu ponen😆. (Last year on Vaigunta Ekadasi we went to Pittsburg Venkatachalapathi temple and then we had a Potluck party. I prepared Tamarind rice)
  • In my general observations, I have noticed that the Mamis have far better comprehension of Geography compared to their counterparts. When the Mamas struggle to figure out if SFO was West coast or the East, the Mamis have no such confusion. “LA state na Louisiana state pa, Los Angeles illa” (LA state means it is Louisiana state not Los Angeles) – I heard a Mami clarifying to one MS aspirant the other day! And added in some measure “intha loosu payyan Bobby Jindal irukkaane – he is from there only” 😆😆 (This nut Bobby Jindal is from there only)
  • The other thing where Mamis completely overwhelm their better halves is in the domain of health.
    • Mamis are invariably troves of medical knowledge. Finding answers on complex health questions real time with any Mamipedia is more accurate and faster than any other “pedia” in the worldwideweb 😆
    • I can confidently vouch that most of the Mamas have very little clue on their ailments, dosage of their medicines,.. and are completely dependent on their Mamis to guide them on these. “Intha tablet saapaatukku pinnala. Itha poi saapaatukku munnala pottu karele”?? (This tablet is supposed to be taken after meal. You are taking this before???) – is a dialogue one can hear often in Tambram households.
    • On a visit to the Doc for routine checkups, it is mostly the Mami who does most of the talking. Young Docs have confessed to me that they get tensed and their BP starts shooting up when they see a Mama walking in with the Mami beside for consultation. “Dr, last time his LDL was 200 and still you didn’t prescribe any Statin! You better prescribe one this time!” (Why are you coming to me is a question the Doc usually avoids under those trying circumstances😜)
  • For long the Mamas have been masters of the Queen’s language, the kadichu thuppara (bite & spit) accent notwithstanding😜. Now it’s the Mamis who apart from being good at English, have mastered the accents as well. If they give the TOEFL today, they will come out with flying colous! Oops colors nope colours😜😜
  • In the age of social media, it is usually the Mami @ home who is more savvy than the Mama. While the tryst of the Mama in SM is by and large restricted to checking updates, it’s the Mami who is proactively active :). From sharing recipes of now extinct items like Thavala vadai to pics of their trip to Batu caves in Malaysia for Thai poosam to colourful and exotic Kolams (put in front of their daughter’s condo in Singapore for Onam😜)Mamis are in the forefront of the social media evolution and their own evolution.

In the times of Bahubali, the “Revenge of the Mamis” is happening full on. After years of being submissive, it’s their time of reckoning. And they are clearly enjoying it. And the Mamas have accepted it gracefully. Was there a choice??? What is that medicine post dinner???? 😜😜😜

Postscript: I mentioned that this piece is about Mamis in the 60’s and above. What about the younger lot? Ladies in the 30’s/40’s and 50’s?? Well, do I need to stake my personal future, writing about them in a post that too in the context of revenge,…,…??? 😝

Escape,………………………………………………………………………… 😝😝😝

Disclaimer: Satirical piece – hence pardon the sweeping generalisations and stereotyping with no intention to harm anybody.🙏

Aam Aadmi Petti!!!

It is that time of the season in Mumbai typically the onset of summer (Apr-Jun or the AMJ Qtr for those in sales 😉) when I equip myself with higher liquidity than normal. The equities get sold, the many mutual funds get redeemed, some dead wood furniture and the like gets sold (in OLX ofcourse 😉 😉) in short except for the immovable assets which essentially means the roof above my head and the 4 wheeler I use to commute get liquidated to raise cash. As much as possible. Even the previous 3 months (ending March) which is “taxing times” for salaried class, somehow gets managed without reaching out for assets disposal. But come April and if you want to enjoy the Aam (Mango) season that too the pedigreed variety like the Alphonso one doesn’t have any other choice but to cash the assets 😜😜

AAM

 If one year the prices of the Alphonso mangoes are high because of supply constraints owing to draught in Maharashtra, then next year it is higher due to supply constraints due to excessive monsoon. Another year, the prices are high due to excessive supply as the producers had to incur additional expenses in proper storage and transportation!!! Last year when the EU banned the exports of Indian Alphonso Aams I was one among many Aam Aadmi who had our Schadenfreude moment – gloating that the glut in the market due to the ban will lead to falling prices. But little did I realise that Alphonso is not called King of Mangoes for no reason – It defies all applied laws of economics. Supply and Demand rules can go to hell 😒😒

Even after spending so many years in Mumbai (20 years though in parts the wife usually the one who is good at dates, years, names,…in the house reminds 😄) I am yet to come to terms with the Mumbaikar’s unending obsession with the Alphonso! In the initial years in Mumbai I used to be flummoxed when train conversations in summer would invariably veer around the Happoos (another name for the Alphonso) next only to customary antics of the Sena or the diatribe of its leader the previous day in some interview/public meeting. Frankly speaking, when I tasted Alphonso for the 1st time I couldn’t fathom why this Aam (common) Aam was revered so much. Having spent most of my childhood years in Trichy, a small city in Tamil Nadu, the fuss about Alphonso was too much to bear.  Trichy apart from being popular for the many famed temples (Rockfort, Srirangam, Thiruvanai Koil,..) also used to house a place called Mambazha Chalai (Mango farm) where private owners cultivated Mangoes. These farms called Thathachariar Gardens spread around many hectares were embodiment of horticultural experiments around Mangoes in those days itself. So every year, new cross breeds use to hit the market – bettering the previous year in terms of size, taste and also price! My memory deceives me now preventing the recap of the names of the species though I can remember vividly one called Imam Pasand (whoever said Tamils hate Hindi 😄).  Apart from this, we also used to get a flood of stocks from nearby towns like Salem which had its own varieties like Malgova, Neelam, Banganapalli,…  Many people (other than Mumbaikars ofcourse 😄😄) who have tasted the Neelam variety have confessed that it tastes very close to the Alphonso and in fact a tad better. And I agree. The only problem is you find insects inside the mangoes more often than not.  So I realized that the Alphonso became the King of Mangoes because of better marketing, reach and better managed supply chain while the others just preferred to stay as local satraps.

Being generally a Mango fan (like most Indians I suppose) in the initial few years I avoided the Alphonso due to the heavy prejudice I had against it. But with the Imam Pasands, the Malgovas and the like ruling many kilometers away, had no choice but to become a dutiful citizen of the Alphonso. That’s when I realized that like you do your cash flow planning for so many life events, one has to do the same for “Aam season” also plus prepare yourself for the unique Happoos experiences 😜😜

  • Like when I lined up before the crowded fruit vendor and insisted on buying varieties other than Happoos – I could hear few ladies nonchalantly asking the vendor – “Aajkal ye saada aam bhi koi leta hai kya???” (“Does anyone buy these ordinary type mangoes these days???”)
  • Like the first time when I asked for the price of Happoos and the vendor dutifully replied as Rs. 400. He almost came to blows with me when I piously told him I was asking price for 1 kilo and not 5 kilos. That’s when he did the brahmopadesam of the 1st lesson in Happoos buying. That while other mangoes are sold by weight Happoos is sold in numbers usually a dozen or in Pettis (boxes of 2 dozens).
  • Like when I insisted that I want to buy only few and not in dozens – I could hear him telling his chela – “Aajkal mandi chal raha hai na, shayad naukri chala gaya hoga”. (These days recession is going on no? May be he has lost his job!!!) Its o.k, give him in loose. And then the parting shot, “Saab, jab naukri mil jayegi – petti hum se hi kareedna’!! (“Sir, when you get the job, please come to me only and buy in dozens!!”)
  • Like when I see exclusive Happoos outlets springing up suddenly in hitherto empty gaalas (shops) in the season all over Mumbai with prominent boards saying “Credit Cards accepted and ATMs next door”. I think to myself – “Smart move”!!!
  • Like when I found that a group of friends did a road trip all the way to Ratnagiri – the Happoos town just to search for the organic variety and buy a truck load of the same for consumption for a few days.
  • Like few years ago in a summer season, while waiting for the luggage to arrive at the baggage belt at Changi (my baggage invariably arrives last 😦 ) was watching the bright yellow/Orange coloured petti after petti of Alphonso mangoes doing the rounds and the owners tearing their hair to identify their own ones!!
  • Like when I see brands fuelling this passion for Alphonso with hotties like Katrina year after year. I must say that the Slice’s AamSutra campaign is not an Aam Ad, me thinks its Jakaas!

“This season, Alphonsos beyond Aam Aadmi’s reach” is a headline which newspapers get to copy and paste year after year. But still the rush to savour this King of Mangoes continues!! If only the Thathachariar family is listening and doing something to break this monopoly! Or we may have no option but to appeal to our PM to bring in a new “Aam subsidy” through direct cash transfer ofcourse to tackle the increasing price of Alphonsos year after year 😜😜.  Not a bad idea for the PM who can beat his rivals AAP and Congress in their own game no???

Postscript: My apologies if you thought that this post is my usual rant/rave about Aam Aadmi Party and got misled. Aam Aadmi Party may be the flavor of the season, but nothing to beat the tastes of the Aam Petti in the summer. 😋😋

By hook or Cook!!!

“For a great marriage, men must cook” – this headline of an article which appeared in ‘The Hindu’ caught my attention. You can read that here. The piece articulates that men must use food and cooking to build strong enduring bonds with their wives for peaceful and mutually fulfilling marriages. It set me thinking. Not that my marriage was wobbling but could do with some elements of surprise I thought. When was the last time I went to the kitchen to cook? If you discount the instances of preparing tea, rustling up dosas or putting together your breakfast cereals, it’s been a while. Really a long while.

My mind flashbacked to the time before marriage when as a bachelor, I did cook. My rendezvous with cooking started while in Mumbai just as I got into my 1st job at Godrej. I lived with my elder brother who was also a bachelor that time and our cooking experiments commenced. Mostly we cooked our own dinners on weekdays and on weekends the lunch. When we felt bored or we got late, we ate outside. The understanding was that whoever reached early will start the preparation like cutting the vegetables and keep the rice ready while the other will join to finish doing the rest of the stuff.  Unlike many would think, cooking was interesting and exciting. Particularly if you end up cooking something which was palatable (when you cook, almost everything is extremely palatable – that’s a different thing 🙂 🙂 )

Being a South Indian and a Tambram in that, our choice was limited to making the sambhars, rasams and the vegetables.  As a strategy (OMG, isn’t this word the most misused word these days???), we decided that we will keep repeating the same till we perfect it. So I think we must have made rasam for atleast one full week and may be sambhar for the next 10 days 🙂 :).  When we completed 1st quarter of cooking the end results were not bad. We started adventuring to next level of difficulty in the cooking game – I mean more exotic dishes,..  post that. So as self-cooking continued, one started losing weight ( 🙂 ) and became lean and mean.

But from the time marriage happened, it was time for the enthusiastic wife to take over. She was also learning the ropes and it was best for me to keep away from the kitchen completely.  Coming back to the present, when I read the article it struck on me – Why not enter the kitchen again and surprise the wife? Though the wife knew that I was cooking earlier she never got a chance to endure my cooking. So last Saturday morning I grandly announced to the wife that I will cook a full meal that day and that she should just relax. And one important pre-condition was that she should not be seen anywhere close to the kitchen till I finish. (You know otherwise what happens 🙂 ) Though reluctant, she complied.

Since the mission was also to impress the wife, I decided to keep the menu simple with some staple stuff like rasam (yes) and potato podimas (yes ofcourse) and get away easily. Little did I realize that life is not so easy if you are out of touch. I started with keeping the rice in the cooker along with the paruppu (dal) which is needed for the rasam.   As I reached out for the dabbas, I could see many dabbas with different paruppus. Now which is the dal which goes into the rasam was the question. After a round of hinky pinky ponkey and applying bit of logic concluded that it is indeed tuvar dal which is the ingredient. 🙂

20 mins into boiling the rice in the cooker – there is no sign of the whistle in the cooker. Lessons from Mechanical engineering on what happens when a safety valve malfunctions unnecessarily kept coming up. Did I put the gasket and other fundamental questions arose. After another futile 20 mins. I decided to force open the cooker to see what the heck is going on.  If you have a faint idea of what forcing open a cooker means – you will understand what would have happened. The dal had overflowed, the rice had overflowed and it all resembled a Dal kichdi!!! And the kitchen- remnants of modern art!!! So the next thing was operation clean up (without making much noise ofcourse so that the wife doesn’t realize what’s going on) and a repeat of keeping the rice and dal again to cook. This time took extra care to see that water is not too much and all. After waiting with bated breath for another 10 mins. the whistle blew and “operation rice” went through smoothly.  I did a whistle podu for myself. 🙂 🙂 Followed then with making the potato vegetable and rasam. Having completely forgotten the measurements of salt, masala,.. several trials and more errors ensued. Fortunately no much adventure in making the rasam and the potato vegetable.  I was almost done.

After serving all what I rustled up, it was judgment time. The rice had to be cooked twice. While the 1st time suffered due to excess water, the second time was less of water and hence was bit Vethu Vethu (dry).  The rasam was fine though it could have done with more rasam powder and be spicier. The potato vegetable was extra salty.  But for these “small” hiccups the experience was worth it!!! The daughter surprisingly found it tasty and ate the food without much ado. The wife was more generous and said it was not bad at all.  And she said, “You are cooking really well, why don’t you do this every Saturday???”

Oh man, that author’s prediction was really working 🙂 🙂

cook

Toon Courtesy: The Hindu